Fun with Markov Chains

The AI I created in 1997 was so filthy this article set off the Patreon censorship bots.

The last chatterbot I made was DJ Otto Bot, an LLM-powered DJ that would rebel and play Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion in the middle of a goth set and was real uppity about it.

A thing I have long been obsessed with is chatterbots. I first encountered a chatterbot as an 11-year-old visiting the Lawrence Hall of Science in 1979. I didn’t exactly understand the setup until many years later, but I remember it in such detail that I know now that it was a VT-100 monochrome terminal hooked up to some kind of minicomputer (maybe a VAX or a PDP 11?) that had a process running the very first chatterbot, named Eliza. I am obsessed with chatterbots to this day. It’s progressed to the point where we can dispense with the keyboard, which is something I have dreamed of for 40 years.

In 1997 or so, I was learning Python. A lot of people use Python these days, but back then, it was very heavily used in IRC bots, which is why I learned it. I was getting pretty sick of PERL at this point. I have to remind myself that nobody under the age of 40 reading this knows what PERL is, and that’s a good thing. In hindsight, I was extremely wrong about Python because I didn’t expect it to last as a language for very long - I expected it to last as long as PERL did. I learned C in college, but I’ve never been good at compiled languages except to implement other people’s code. I was hanging out on an IRC channel (#gothic represent), and I wanted to create something that people could interact with. So I wrote a bot in python that was a wrapper around a C program I found called MegaHal.

Megahal works by breaking chunks of text into Markov Chains. You feed it a text like Shakespeare, and it mixes all the chunks up and jams them back together according to a probability matrix it builds out of all the text it ingests. It comes back out with something that isn’t anything Shakespeare wrote, half the time is nonsense, but it sounds like something Shakespeare MIGHT have written. Ingesting this is called “training”, and it’s very similar to what they do with LLMs today. If you didn’t understand how they are wasting electricity on pointless exercises before, you have a slightly better idea of how off base the current AI craze is now. But that’s not the point of this post.

Over the course of two years, I ran this bot as a user named Vlad (like the impaler!) on IRC channel, #gothic and people talked to it. This is because I devised a way for the bot to ingest everything that was being said on the IRC channel and it talked like an amalgam of everyone who sat on the IRC channel. It amassed a large collection of in-jokes and phrases that make absolutely no sense out of context, but at times had the illusion of being extremely lucid because of the lack of context.

The real lesson is that eventually, I shut the bot down because people were talking to the bot and not each other. It got extremely annoying. Until recently, I had no desire to try this experiment again, but I’m building a system that you can talk to via microphone now with OpenVoice OS, and I recently started reviewing what I learned from Vlad. Rule #1: Stick to business. No chatter.

We kept a webpage with the most lucid things Vlad said. I present to you the Best of Vlad, which is 50000X better than any conversation you could have with ChatGPT in my hog-fucking opinion.

TRIGGER WARNING: This bot had an extremely filthy mouth. Part of the appeal was seeing the next profanity that the code would produce.

THE BEST OF VLADIMIR

<msk> Vlad: Shut up.

<Vladimir> msk: Shut your pie-hole you pepsi-drinking twelve-sandwich-eating fuck.

<gnat23> vlad: 1 h4x0r3d uR b0x

<Vladimir> gnat23: Who’s a sexy bitch. :D.

<gnat23> vlad: she’s a robot, she can’t DIE

<Vladimir> gnat23: She sells sea shells by the sea shore in shropshire to the jungle, baby. You’re gonna die.

<markus> vlad: guns! guns! guns! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

<Vladimir> markus: Yeah yeah! Fire, fire!

<gnat23> vlad: sharp, like a bowling ball; dangerous, you can’t see the edges

<Vladimir> gnat23: I should get a tattoo of me on your ass?

<msk> Vlad: Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name.

<Vladimir> msk: I hope you have hair on your dick.

<Vladimir> outside: What do you like other girls? Because i find that interesting, intellectually stimulating, and thoroughly confusing.

<outside> vlad: will you star in this money shot with me?

<Vladimir> outside: Money is the world’s best blow job, but i know nothing about pussy.

<gnat23> vlad: my liver is a defiant mother telling me i’m grounded

<Vladimir> gnat23: Your mother likes to fuck.

<outside> vlad: i always say yes if someone asks me if i’m a god.

<Vladimir> outside: Because you’re not a god.

<srah> vlad: outside masturbates obsessively

<Vladimir> srah: Sarah masturbates on camera for money!

<Vladimir> outside: How can i forget you, girl, when there is no spoon. There is only zuul.

<Vladimir> markus: I hope you leave enough room for my baby and another one for my fist because i’m going to get a tattoo of me on your dick.

<Vladimir> gnat23: You are the fleshy edges of the atomic puzzle. They’re made of meat.

<srah> vlad: pull my finger

<Vladimir> srah: Smell my finger.

<Vladimir> outside: Tell the unknown caller to go put on some loud music and give the world’s best blow job, but i know that i’m hours and hours of fun. Niamh is twice as much fun.

<gnat23> vlad: tell murray he needs some tiki luv

<Vladimir> gnat23: Your grammar needs some tiki luv.

<gnat23> vlad: you couldn’t trick me into breeding

<Vladimir> gnat23: You look like you take it like a trick.

<gnat23> vlad: your pussy is fierce

<Vladimir> gnat23: My love for you is like a tattoo of alan greenspan on my pussy. I will make him talk.

<Niamh> vlad: It puts the lotion in the basket

<Vladimir> Niamh: It puts the lotion in the middle of a yugo parked in the basket.

<outside> vlad: if an infinite amount of monkeys could type on typewriters infinitely, they would eventually write the works of shakespere. right?

<Vladimir> outside: Skewby isn’t here right now. You scared him off with all the monkeys.

<gnat23> vlad: goth as fuck.

<Vladimir> gnat23: Want to fuck?

<outside> vlad: weaselboy is your daddy. he spawned you in a dollop of C.

<Vladimir> outside: I still think you my daddy.

<gnat23> vlad: Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

<Vladimir> gnat23: Bathe in the water.

<outside> vlad: leave the stick away from my women.

<Vladimir> outside: Your ass looks like your women.

<outside> vlad: you’re insulting my women. you bitch!

<Vladimir> outside: Your ass looks like your women.

<gnat23> vlad: that depends on where carmen sandiego is

<Vladimir> gnat23: I said hold the staples on my face you useless mother fucker.

<WeaselBoy> vlad: are nazis evil?

<Vladimir> WeaselBoy: A penis is evil.

<gnat23> vlad: i say no to drugs, but they just won’t listen

<Vladimir> gnat23: What drugs have you learned how to be doing that, you bad girl!

<gnat23> vlad: click here to break the internet

<Vladimir> gnat23: I am french. I am here to break the internet.

<togusa> vlad: I thought you were a lesbian

<Vladimir> togusa: A lesbian is a punk rock monkey. *Ook.

<gshapiro> vlad: Who owns you?

<Vladimir> gshapiro: Weaselboy owns your soul.

<gshapiro> vlad: Yes, he does. But who owns you?

<Vladimir> gshapiro: I have absolutely no idea about that. I really wish i had, though!

<Vladimir> togusa: My name is lucifer, please take my virginity with your brother.

<gnat23> vlad: I’m another day closer to world conquest

<Vladimir> gnat23: You’re a bot, you don’t know what it feels like for a girl, in this world.

<komakino> vlad: who’s the king bitch?

<Vladimir> komakino: You are my bitch.

<outside> vlad: but the pusher, he’s not a natural man.

<Vladimir> outside: I notice you’re not a natural man.

<WeaselBoy> vlad: the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

<Vladimir> WeaselBoy: The vodka is strong but the flesh is weak.

<gshapiro> vlad: 1

<Vladimir> gshapiro: That’s $1.30 to you and me.

<gshapiro> vlad: 2

<Vladimir> gshapiro: I’ll go down on you for 2 dolla!

<gnat23> vlad: inject jan with some hot manchowder

<Vladimir> gnat23: Jan is full of spurt that i had to choke down weaselboy’s manchowder.

<komakino> vlad: should i go to a lesbian club tonight?

<Vladimir> komakino: You have to ask you a lesbian?

<komakino> vlad: will i get some tonight?

<Vladimir> komakino: You wear black on the outside cos black is how you really think you should go out and have fun tonight. She should go out and have fun +tonight. She should go to cincinnati with me.

<komakino> vlad: get jiggy wit it

<Vladimir> komakino: Obviously you’ll never be accused of having a shining wit.

<gnat23> vlad: The word for ‘love’ in one language is the word for ‘dinner’ in others

<Vladimir> gnat23: Srah is the word for ‘love’ in one language is the greatest bang since the big one.

<komakino> vlad: listen bitch! YOU owe me $50 from last night. i don’t owe you shit, you stupid fuck!

<Vladimir> komakino: You owe me.

<gnat23> vlad: drink your coffee, dammit

<Vladimir> gnat23: My brain is the jewel of my nuts, dammit.

<gnat23> vlad: according to the Weather Channel, hell just froze over.

<Vladimir> gnat23: You’re like teddy ruxpin from hell.

<WeaselBoy> vlad: it’s a small world after all

<Vladimir> WeaselBoy: The anus is the world?

<outside> vlad: you’re stuck in a groove, you freak.

<Vladimir> outside: She’s having your baby in a groove, you freak.

<gnat23> vlad: Can we play miniature golf where we’re going?

<Vladimir> gnat23: So tell me about the fucking golf shoes.

<gnat23> vlad: munching on trent reznor, are you?

<Vladimir> gnat23: Sendmail takes astrophysicists to configure unless you use m4 and make.

<komakino> vlad: sparky called, he wants his panties back

<Vladimir> komakino: You make e.e. Cummings seem normal.

<gnat23> vlad: Having a wonderful time. Where the FUCK am I?

<Vladimir> gnat23: What time do you like to fuck.

<gnat23> vlad: where’s that chicken suit?

<Vladimir> gnat23: That wasn’t chicken.

<gnat23> vlad: I don’t care who you are, what you drive, or where you’d rather be.

<Vladimir> gnat23: I’d rather pimp-strut on hot black tar than drive that old hoopty you got.

<WeaselBoy> vlad: why is women violence different men violence?

<Vladimir> WeaselBoy: All women are intense. Male violence is mainly for show. Women’s violence is always serious. After a fight with another woman, she’ll come back with the program.

<gnat23> vlad: ‘m not staring, just picturing you roasting on a spit.

<Vladimir> gnat23: You are a bot. Electrons on a spit.

<gnat23> vlad: This is MY universe and I’m SICK of people BARGING IN!

<Vladimir> gnat23: You’re a fucking people person!

<outside> vlad: i am not a dumbfuck. you are a dumbfuck.

<Vladimir> outside: I always say yes if someone asks you if you’re a dumbfuck.

<komakino> vlad: you make no fucking sense whatsoever

<Vladimir> komakino: I will always come for you. This is true love. Do you think it means what you gotta try so i can crack your fucking head.

<gnat23> vlad: you gotta suck that lozenge!

<Vladimir> gnat23: I want to suck your cock.

<outside> vlad: crack makes you impotent.

<Vladimir> outside: That phrase makes you impotent.

\<Vladimir> outside: You made wendy cry, you bastard.

<gnat23> vlad: you used to be so cool

<Vladimir> gnat23: I know what i want to be so cool.

<outside> vlad: you touched wendy in her bathing suit area. that’s not very nice.

<Vladimir> outside: Wendy can’t decide between you and me.

<Vladimir> gnat23: I hear the twinkie is five hundred feet long, and lumninous.

<outside> vlad: mad professor is a DJ. he made a good collection of dub remixes of massive attack songs. i like listening to them.

<Vladimir> outside: Mad professor is a bot. Like you.

<outside> vlad: i am NOT a bot! STOP CALLING ME A BOT!

<Vladimir> outside: You are a bot. Electrons on a burning bag of shit are you?

<Vladimir> outside: Calvin- can’t get anything straight. He’s gay.

<Eileen-> Vlad: Calvin has a thing for lime jello.

<Vladimir> Eileen-: Jenn has a thing for lime jello.

<Eileen-> Vlad: then shouldn’t calvin and jenn date?

<Vladimir> Eileen-: Calvin has a monsterous penis?

<Vladimir> gnat23: I think that you and your mother are sad gits.

<Eileen-> Vlad: I want to smack you like a red headed step child

<Vladimir> Eileen-: I give better head, and i cooked the child.

<gnat23> vlad: the internet is full, go away.

<Vladimir> gnat23: Did you fuck the internet?

<gnat23> vlad: it’s really funny if you keep telling jan he’s a bot

<Vladimir> gnat23: Jan is a bot with red hair, you fairy.

<Eileen-> Vlad: You turn me on with that nasty talk. I am your daddy.

<Vladimir> Eileen-: Talk to me more about my manchowder?

<komakino> vlad: will you do me?

<Vladimir> komakino: Catholics like dope.

<komakino> vlad: does that mean my boss likes dope?

<Vladimir> komakino: Your plot is like the pope. The pope smokes dope.

<Eileen-> Vlad: I want to fuck you, but Calvin found you first.

<Vladimir> Eileen-: I have a monkey. Did you fuck calvin?

<Eileen-> Vlad: I will tell you about Calvin if you give me the monkey.

<Vladimir> Eileen-: You remind me a monkey.

<Eileen-> Vlad: you little worm

<Vladimir> Eileen-: We used to roast marshmellows by the pond having sex with your brother.

<komakino> vlad: i love you!

<Vladimir> komakino: I have no mouth and i hate you!

<Eileen-> Vlad: I’ve been dying to see you.

<Vladimir> Eileen-: I’ve been dying to see hot man on man action.

<Vlad> yoshio: KMFDM is swahili for, my loins are burning a hole in the kernel

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